1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:12,559 Synch and correct by JustFuckingShit (or teftel) www.addic7ed.com 2 00:00:12,560 --> 00:00:18,000 Tonight: A fat man gets murdered, a donkey gets overtaken, 3 00:00:18,000 --> 00:00:21,480 and James wears ladies' underwear on his head. 4 00:00:28,560 --> 00:00:31,160 Hello. Hello, good evening. 5 00:00:31,160 --> 00:00:33,400 Welcome. Welcome, everybody. 6 00:00:33,400 --> 00:00:35,960 Thank you. Thank you so much. 7 00:00:35,960 --> 00:00:38,520 Now, we begin with a letter. 8 00:00:38,520 --> 00:00:43,560 It says, "Dear Top Gear, I'm a leading light in the Albanian Mafia 9 00:00:43,560 --> 00:00:48,120 "and I'm thinking of buying the new baby Rolls-Royce, the Ghost. 10 00:00:48,120 --> 00:00:52,480 "But how does it compare to, say, a Bentley or a Mercedes? 11 00:00:52,480 --> 00:00:58,960 "Yours sincerely, Normanski Ataesi." Now this caused one hell of a row in the office. 12 00:00:58,960 --> 00:01:01,920 The producers said we should go out to Albania and do the test. 13 00:01:01,920 --> 00:01:06,360 We said, "No, we can't be seen to be helping the Mafia." We were adamant. 14 00:01:06,360 --> 00:01:10,360 We said, "This is our line in the sand, we will not go!" 15 00:01:16,520 --> 00:01:22,120 You join me on the ferry from Corfu to Albania and here is the car in question, 16 00:01:22,120 --> 00:01:25,160 the new Rolls-Royce Ghost - 17 00:01:25,160 --> 00:01:30,160 �200,000 of power, prestige and...peeled cows. 18 00:01:33,080 --> 00:01:35,400 And this Mercedes is the alternative - 19 00:01:35,400 --> 00:01:37,880 the twin turbo-charged V12 S65. 20 00:01:37,880 --> 00:01:42,000 In short, the most powerful saloon car in the world. 21 00:01:42,000 --> 00:01:46,280 And this is where the Bentley Mulsanne should be, 22 00:01:46,280 --> 00:01:49,840 but just a few days before we were due to come out here, 23 00:01:49,840 --> 00:01:53,480 Bentley decided not to take part in the film. 24 00:01:53,480 --> 00:01:55,040 So no Bentley? 25 00:01:55,040 --> 00:01:58,080 No. So you're going to tell a leading light of the Albanian Mafia 26 00:01:58,080 --> 00:02:01,160 you couldn't bring them their car because it was a bit difficult. 27 00:02:01,160 --> 00:02:04,440 No, I've made an alternative arrangement. 28 00:02:08,840 --> 00:02:12,920 And when we arrived the alternative arrangement was waiting for us. 29 00:02:17,000 --> 00:02:18,400 It's a Yugo. Yes. 30 00:02:18,400 --> 00:02:25,400 But in a number of critical ways, it is exactly the same as the new Bentley Mulsanne. Listen to this. 31 00:02:25,400 --> 00:02:26,720 DULL THUMP There you go. 32 00:02:26,720 --> 00:02:28,800 That's the same sort of dull aristocratic whump. 33 00:02:28,800 --> 00:02:31,480 Four door. There's a hole on the outside you put the fuel in. 34 00:02:31,480 --> 00:02:36,160 Yeah, engine at the front, rear drive, probably. Drive it from there. From that wheel there. 35 00:02:36,160 --> 00:02:40,360 It is - for this mission, it's exactly the same as the Bentley Mulsanne, 36 00:02:40,360 --> 00:02:43,920 in the same way that Roy Hattersley is the same as a tub of lard. Yes. 37 00:02:43,920 --> 00:02:46,800 This is the perfect car for the job. 38 00:02:46,800 --> 00:02:48,680 Can't say that. What? 39 00:02:48,680 --> 00:02:52,560 You can't say that word, the C-word. I didn't, did I? 40 00:02:52,560 --> 00:02:56,720 Not that C-word, the other C-word. Car? Yes. 41 00:02:56,720 --> 00:03:03,520 Car? You can't say that, car here means gentleman's sausage. 42 00:03:03,520 --> 00:03:06,880 Really? What? That's why they all watch Top Gear in Albania. 43 00:03:06,880 --> 00:03:11,200 IN BAD ALBANIAN ACCENT: Funnier even than Norman Wisdom, you make show about... 44 00:03:11,200 --> 00:03:16,040 So when I say, "My car's enormous..." That's the funniest thing in the world they've ever heard. 45 00:03:16,040 --> 00:03:17,280 They tune in every week. 46 00:03:17,280 --> 00:03:20,640 We do a car show. Yes, but you can't say car or peach. 47 00:03:20,640 --> 00:03:23,080 Peach? Don't say peach? 48 00:03:23,080 --> 00:03:29,280 What does that mean? Lady garden. So this car's a peach is really bad. 49 00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:38,560 With the ground rules established, we headed inland into the rain to begin the road test. 50 00:03:40,760 --> 00:03:46,760 Let's get one thing absolutely clear from the start - the Ghost is not a bespoke Rolls-Royce, 51 00:03:46,760 --> 00:03:48,560 not like the Phantom, the bigger one. 52 00:03:48,560 --> 00:03:52,560 This one underneath is a BMW 7 Series. 53 00:03:52,560 --> 00:03:58,000 However, everything you see, everything you touch, everything you feel, it's all Rolls-Royce. 54 00:03:58,000 --> 00:04:02,640 It's chuffing marvellous, this ca...motor. 55 00:04:05,760 --> 00:04:10,480 At �160,000, the S Class is �40,000 less than the Ghost. 56 00:04:10,480 --> 00:04:12,360 But it's not like they have skimped. 57 00:04:12,360 --> 00:04:18,640 I've never driven anything where you get such a sense of there being a lot of things going on 58 00:04:18,640 --> 00:04:22,480 in the background, to keep you safe, to keep you on the road. 59 00:04:22,480 --> 00:04:25,560 Everywhere I look there's a little light comes on to let you know - 60 00:04:25,560 --> 00:04:28,960 one there to tell me it's a 30 kilometre an hour speed limit around here. 61 00:04:28,960 --> 00:04:35,480 It just knows that and I have never experienced a car this big and so powerful. 62 00:04:35,480 --> 00:04:40,720 I can't believe I said car this big. 63 00:04:40,720 --> 00:04:47,840 In the Mulsanne, however... I must say I'm terribly disappointed by the Bentley. 64 00:04:47,840 --> 00:04:50,400 It is the most expensive... 65 00:04:50,400 --> 00:04:56,240 Oh, God, strewth! I'm going off. No, I managed to... Jesus wept! 66 00:04:58,000 --> 00:05:02,040 It is the most expensive penis of the three, 67 00:05:02,040 --> 00:05:07,680 �220,000, and from where I am sitting, it is hard to see why. 68 00:05:09,480 --> 00:05:15,600 Oh, crunch. What the hell were Bentley thinking of? 69 00:05:17,360 --> 00:05:20,680 Even by Albanian standards, it was absolute rubbish. 70 00:05:24,480 --> 00:05:30,000 Until 1991, Albania was probably the most extreme Marxist state in the world. 71 00:05:32,360 --> 00:05:38,000 One man, who owned a cafe, got 18 years in jail for telling a customer he didn't have a spoon. 72 00:05:38,000 --> 00:05:41,520 Another guy pointed at Corfu over there and said, 73 00:05:41,520 --> 00:05:46,600 "Why have they got a light in their harbour and we haven't?" He got 25 years. 74 00:05:48,720 --> 00:05:53,400 And soon we were reminded of the dark days because the road just sort of stopped. 75 00:05:53,400 --> 00:05:58,880 And to make things worse, instead of white lines, they'd used rocks. 76 00:06:01,480 --> 00:06:05,480 Let's not view this as a bad thing, it is at least a chance to test the car's ride. 77 00:06:11,920 --> 00:06:15,360 As far as I'm concerned, the road merely changes colour occasionally. 78 00:06:15,360 --> 00:06:21,440 I am quite surprised because this is an AMG-tuned Merc, which you would expect to be a very firm thing. 79 00:06:21,440 --> 00:06:25,760 It's coping with this very well. However, in the Bentley... 80 00:06:29,360 --> 00:06:33,920 This has to be the least refined car I've ever driven. 81 00:06:33,920 --> 00:06:35,520 This is simply intolerable. 82 00:06:35,520 --> 00:06:40,320 �220,000 for this. Oh, God, it's... 83 00:06:40,320 --> 00:06:44,320 Yeah, you got hooked up on a cat's eye, mate. 84 00:06:44,320 --> 00:06:50,680 Let's - can we - if one pushes and two lift the wheel arches... We just lift it off. Heave! 85 00:06:50,680 --> 00:06:53,800 The bumper is in deep trouble here. 86 00:06:53,800 --> 00:06:57,120 Yes. Just drive it back, hang on. 87 00:06:57,120 --> 00:07:00,480 That is wedged. That's sad to see a Bentley treated in such a... 88 00:07:04,520 --> 00:07:06,160 Nice(!) It's off. 89 00:07:06,160 --> 00:07:08,520 Tough thing! 90 00:07:08,520 --> 00:07:15,360 Fortunately, the rough road soon ended. Unfortunately, it ended at an Albanian river crossing. 91 00:07:18,280 --> 00:07:20,120 That's not the ferry, is it? Yes. 92 00:07:20,120 --> 00:07:23,800 That's a raft, rather than a ferry, isn't it? 93 00:07:26,160 --> 00:07:29,880 Still, it wasn't like the cars we'd be loading were valuable, or heavy. 94 00:07:29,880 --> 00:07:33,520 It's not even fastened together. It's driftwood. 95 00:07:33,520 --> 00:07:35,520 Have seen the captain's chair? 96 00:07:35,520 --> 00:07:41,000 That's the most incredible thing I've seen - it's got five legs, it's got five legs. 97 00:07:41,000 --> 00:07:45,000 Despite the peril, James volunteered to go first. 98 00:07:45,000 --> 00:07:48,280 Ha-ha-ha! 99 00:07:48,280 --> 00:07:53,520 No, no. You're all right now. 100 00:08:01,000 --> 00:08:07,400 Oh, my God. What worries me is the Bentley is 2.8 tonnes, it's the heaviest by far. 101 00:08:11,000 --> 00:08:14,280 Wow. I guess because it's in the middle, it didn't have the same effect. 102 00:08:14,280 --> 00:08:16,440 We're off. 103 00:08:16,440 --> 00:08:21,400 We are now leaving the shore on an old piece of flotsam with over half a million quids worth of cars. 104 00:08:21,400 --> 00:08:23,280 This is the best ferry I've ever been on. 105 00:08:23,280 --> 00:08:26,640 It is the worst I've ever been on. This is the worst thing I've ever been on. It's absolutely terrible. 106 00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:30,880 Eventually, HMS Driftwood deposited us gracefully on the other side. 107 00:08:36,160 --> 00:08:39,720 Oh, no. And as we drove on, we realised that one 108 00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:45,520 benefit of the Mercedes, if you're a Mafia boss, is that you do blend in. 109 00:08:45,520 --> 00:08:47,040 Mercedes. Mercedes. Mercedes. 110 00:08:47,040 --> 00:08:49,200 Mercedes. Mercedes. 111 00:08:49,200 --> 00:08:52,880 Mercedes. Mercedes. Mercedes. 112 00:08:52,880 --> 00:08:54,160 Look at them all. 113 00:08:55,720 --> 00:08:57,160 Mercedes. Mercedes. Mercedes. 114 00:08:57,160 --> 00:08:59,960 Mercedes. Mercedes. Mercedes. 115 00:08:59,960 --> 00:09:06,800 It turns out that a staggering 80% of all cars registered in Albania are old Mercs. 116 00:09:06,800 --> 00:09:09,520 But that said, English cars are popular too - 117 00:09:09,520 --> 00:09:14,320 a point we discussed when we pulled over for afternoon tea. 118 00:09:14,320 --> 00:09:19,240 Apparently, what happens is, Albanians go to England, 119 00:09:19,240 --> 00:09:24,120 get a job, buy a car, and then bring it back with them here. 120 00:09:24,120 --> 00:09:28,560 Right. It is quite traditional when you bring a car back like that that you drive it 121 00:09:28,560 --> 00:09:33,400 around with the door locks pulled out and sometimes little marks along the back of the door, the trailing edge. 122 00:09:33,400 --> 00:09:40,080 They have a tradition here of filing off any numbers they find under the bonnet. That's to save weight. 123 00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:46,360 Oh, is it? Yes, that's why they do it, all the VIN numbers, identifying plates, that makes the car lighter. 124 00:09:46,360 --> 00:09:49,520 Oh I see. Weight-saving measures are important. 125 00:09:49,520 --> 00:09:51,280 Some of them, though, are stolen. 126 00:09:51,280 --> 00:09:53,720 No! Give up! 127 00:09:53,720 --> 00:09:59,080 I'm afraid they are. After tea, the sun came out, so we hit the coast road and went for a nice cruise. 128 00:10:07,400 --> 00:10:09,520 Well, it was nice for me. 129 00:10:09,520 --> 00:10:16,640 God! The power of this thing and the acceleration it makes possible is mind-blowing. 130 00:10:16,640 --> 00:10:20,280 It's weird, actually, because it's so quiet. 131 00:10:20,280 --> 00:10:25,800 There's always noise when you go fast and yet, in this, there really isn't. 132 00:10:25,800 --> 00:10:32,240 The beans, oh! It doesn't encourage you to be sporty, or aggressive. 133 00:10:32,240 --> 00:10:36,960 It's just so nice. 134 00:10:36,960 --> 00:10:39,760 It's nice in the Rolls-Royce. 135 00:10:39,760 --> 00:10:43,880 But then my nice time was ruined by news from the Bentley. 136 00:10:43,880 --> 00:10:47,440 Oh, no, the Mulsanne is overheating. 137 00:10:47,440 --> 00:10:54,400 We stopped to let the twin turbo V8 cool, but then...it decided to die. 138 00:10:54,400 --> 00:10:55,440 ENGINE WON'T TICK OVER 139 00:10:55,440 --> 00:10:59,840 No. So I tried a reverse bump start. 140 00:10:59,840 --> 00:11:02,600 He's done that wrong. The brakes! 141 00:11:02,600 --> 00:11:03,760 No. 142 00:11:08,000 --> 00:11:09,600 The door mirror's come off! 143 00:11:09,600 --> 00:11:13,600 It's suddenly dawned upon me that he isn't very bright. 144 00:11:15,680 --> 00:11:18,560 I think he could be a massive idiot. 145 00:11:20,520 --> 00:11:21,600 The door mirror! 146 00:11:21,600 --> 00:11:24,120 How long will he go before...? Well... 147 00:11:25,840 --> 00:11:27,440 Oh, no. 148 00:11:27,440 --> 00:11:30,400 Just get it away from the wall. 149 00:11:30,400 --> 00:11:33,680 It's the steepest hill in Albania you've broken down on. 150 00:11:33,680 --> 00:11:38,560 While we examined the engine, the orang-utan tried to mend the door. 151 00:11:44,160 --> 00:11:47,720 Then an Albanian mechanic arrived and Jeremy filled him in. 152 00:11:47,720 --> 00:11:50,920 Running, then stop. 153 00:11:50,920 --> 00:11:52,960 That describes most breakdowns. 154 00:11:52,960 --> 00:11:54,680 Running and then stop, you idiot! 155 00:11:54,680 --> 00:11:57,920 Don't say to that man, "My car needs a jump." 156 00:11:57,920 --> 00:11:59,320 LAUGHTER 157 00:12:00,400 --> 00:12:01,880 Yes. Yes. 158 00:12:04,360 --> 00:12:06,440 The Bentley is running well. 159 00:12:06,440 --> 00:12:11,600 It had been a long and tiring day on the road, but for Hammond, that was OK. 160 00:12:11,600 --> 00:12:15,960 This S Class has a new system on board. 161 00:12:15,960 --> 00:12:19,320 It just monitors the driver to make sure he or she isn't getting sleepy, 162 00:12:19,320 --> 00:12:25,200 or wandering out of the lane, or nodding off, and it's monitoring 70 different parameters about me. 163 00:12:25,200 --> 00:12:31,520 That must include whether or not I like different types of cheese, or if I'm thinking about hats. 164 00:12:31,520 --> 00:12:39,040 I was on life-support in an intensive care unit and they weren't monitoring 70 things about me. 165 00:12:42,920 --> 00:12:46,040 Soon, we arrived at a disused submarine base. 166 00:12:53,040 --> 00:12:56,720 And Jeremy insisted we should stop. 167 00:12:56,720 --> 00:13:00,440 I am a mountain goat. Oh! 168 00:13:00,440 --> 00:13:02,440 LAUGHTER That was close. 169 00:13:02,440 --> 00:13:05,840 Yes. I love the idea of sneaky warfare. 170 00:13:05,840 --> 00:13:11,480 If there were to be a war tomorrow, and I had to volunteer for some service, definitely subs. 171 00:13:11,480 --> 00:13:14,880 Which is ironic - can you imagine a place where you'd be less welcome. 172 00:13:14,880 --> 00:13:16,760 I wonder if they're for sale. 173 00:13:16,760 --> 00:13:20,440 What are you going to do with a submarine, Jeremy? 174 00:13:20,440 --> 00:13:23,000 Well, drive about in it. 175 00:13:25,720 --> 00:13:29,240 With the sun going down, I was dragged away from the sub pen 176 00:13:29,240 --> 00:13:31,840 so we could get back to our Mafia road test. 177 00:13:31,840 --> 00:13:38,440 We've had a discussion, and we reckon that when someone from the Albanian Mafia 178 00:13:38,440 --> 00:13:45,800 is choosing a new car, uppermost in his mind will be this: "Can I get a dead body in the boot?" 179 00:13:45,800 --> 00:13:48,080 Makes sense. That is why the car has a boot. 180 00:13:48,080 --> 00:13:54,760 Stands to reason. Unfortunately, to find out which of the cars is best, we've had to murder a passer-by. 181 00:13:54,760 --> 00:13:56,840 Yeah. And here he is. 182 00:13:56,840 --> 00:14:01,280 As you can see, he's quite a big chap, so he took a lot of murdering. 183 00:14:01,280 --> 00:14:03,000 And now James is going to see 184 00:14:03,000 --> 00:14:05,920 if he can get him in the boot of the Rolls-Royce. 185 00:14:05,920 --> 00:14:09,400 Am I? Yes. You go first, yes. OK. 186 00:14:12,200 --> 00:14:15,320 That's a good start. Look at that. 187 00:14:15,320 --> 00:14:17,000 What? He was a member of a gym. 188 00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:20,560 He was not! Could we have murdered someone a bit smaller? Not really. 189 00:14:20,560 --> 00:14:24,720 He was the only one we could catch. Anyone smaller would have been faster. 190 00:14:24,720 --> 00:14:27,440 Come on, James, the police could be on their way. 191 00:14:27,440 --> 00:14:30,360 I can't lift him up. Three, two, one and up. 192 00:14:30,360 --> 00:14:32,960 No, it's not working. 193 00:14:32,960 --> 00:14:40,520 OK. This was hopeless. So rather embarrassingly, we had to ask the man we murdered to give us a hand. 194 00:14:40,520 --> 00:14:44,240 It's not so much the head, but everything else. 195 00:14:44,240 --> 00:14:49,040 All we have to do now is saw his leg. Wait a minute. 196 00:14:49,040 --> 00:14:51,200 Just get that in there. 197 00:14:51,200 --> 00:14:52,760 Bend that back round there. Yes! 198 00:14:52,760 --> 00:14:54,920 Yes! Yes. Excellent. 199 00:14:54,920 --> 00:14:59,280 The great thing about the Rolls-Royce is, it has self-levelling rear suspension, 200 00:14:59,280 --> 00:15:04,880 so when the boot is shut you won't know from the way it's riding that there is a body in there. 201 00:15:04,880 --> 00:15:06,720 Except the boot won't go down. 202 00:15:06,720 --> 00:15:10,280 Right, you get him out and put him in the back of the Benz. 203 00:15:10,280 --> 00:15:12,680 Get him out? 204 00:15:12,680 --> 00:15:15,400 'Sadly, there's a fridge in the boot of the Merc, 205 00:15:15,400 --> 00:15:20,520 'which takes up a lot of room.' Is that it? Can you move that knee? 206 00:15:20,520 --> 00:15:23,240 No chance! 207 00:15:23,240 --> 00:15:25,680 That meant our dead body wouldn't fit. 208 00:15:26,400 --> 00:15:28,520 Nobody wants to see that. 209 00:15:28,520 --> 00:15:34,360 And even though he did fit in the Bentley, there was still a problem. 210 00:15:34,360 --> 00:15:39,080 Mate, you can see him. Look. 211 00:15:39,080 --> 00:15:40,800 That is a drawback. Clearly. 212 00:15:40,800 --> 00:15:43,600 You might as well just put him in the passenger seat. 213 00:15:43,600 --> 00:15:45,360 APPLAUSE 214 00:15:48,200 --> 00:15:52,320 James, Richard, bad news. 215 00:15:52,320 --> 00:15:56,240 What? Do you see the girl with the red beret on? Yeah. 216 00:15:56,240 --> 00:15:58,800 She's from Albania. Hello! 217 00:15:58,800 --> 00:16:04,160 And can we just ask, is it right that the word "car" means... 218 00:16:04,160 --> 00:16:05,880 Yes. 219 00:16:05,880 --> 00:16:08,240 LAUGHTER 220 00:16:08,240 --> 00:16:09,800 And "peach"? 221 00:16:09,800 --> 00:16:11,440 INAUDIBLE Yes. 222 00:16:11,440 --> 00:16:15,400 I thought you'd made it up. No, we didn't make it up. 223 00:16:15,400 --> 00:16:17,920 She's actually from Albania. Fair enough. 224 00:16:17,920 --> 00:16:21,000 I have got some more information on this, er... 225 00:16:21,000 --> 00:16:25,920 You know in the film I said that some of the cars might be stolen? 226 00:16:25,920 --> 00:16:28,760 I know, you did, that was shocking! Yes, it was. 227 00:16:28,760 --> 00:16:31,720 Anyway, I've got some information here on it. 228 00:16:31,720 --> 00:16:37,840 Albania's public order minister was on his way to Greece to sign an agreement with his opposite number 229 00:16:37,840 --> 00:16:43,480 on cross-border crime, and as a formality the Greek police did a check on his car and it was nicked. 230 00:16:43,480 --> 00:16:47,560 And just so I balance this out, 231 00:16:47,560 --> 00:16:53,040 neighbouring Macedonia, the interior minister was very embarrassed 232 00:16:53,040 --> 00:16:57,960 when police noticed her car was actually registered to David Beckham. 233 00:16:57,960 --> 00:16:59,880 That happens to footballers a lot. 234 00:16:59,880 --> 00:17:05,400 Two AC Milan players had their Range Rovers nicked. D'you know where they turned up? 235 00:17:05,400 --> 00:17:08,640 Bournemouth? No, it was Albania. Was it really? 236 00:17:08,640 --> 00:17:12,520 It was. I have to say - and not just because you're here - 237 00:17:12,520 --> 00:17:17,760 genuinely, Albania is a fascinating, brilliant country, very pretty too. 238 00:17:17,760 --> 00:17:22,280 Beautiful. Anyway, it's now time to do the news. We begin with this. 239 00:17:22,280 --> 00:17:24,720 Honda, which is a Japanese car company, 240 00:17:24,720 --> 00:17:31,160 they've developed a hat that knows what your hair is thinking 241 00:17:31,160 --> 00:17:36,400 and then translates those thoughts in such a way that it can drive the car. 242 00:17:36,400 --> 00:17:41,480 Have you gone completely mad? No, seriously, I absolutely haven't. 243 00:17:41,480 --> 00:17:46,080 They say that hair transmits neurological information. Yeah. 244 00:17:46,080 --> 00:17:50,480 The hat picks that up, translates it, so if you think, "I'd like to turn the wipers on," 245 00:17:50,480 --> 00:17:52,560 your hat knows that and the wipers go on. 246 00:17:52,560 --> 00:17:55,040 Cos your hair tells you. Your hair? 247 00:17:55,040 --> 00:17:57,040 LAUGHTER 248 00:17:57,040 --> 00:17:58,840 Your hair cannot drive a car. 249 00:17:58,840 --> 00:18:02,480 Your hair isn't very good at being hair! In fairness, really. 250 00:18:02,480 --> 00:18:06,200 What if you'd had a hair transplant? 251 00:18:06,200 --> 00:18:07,240 Gordon Ramsay! 252 00:18:07,240 --> 00:18:11,760 Yeah, exactly. Gordon Ramsay, no, wait, wait, wait! Think about it, 253 00:18:11,760 --> 00:18:18,320 if he's stopped for speeding, he can go, "It wasn't me, I bought my hair from a man in Los Angeles." 254 00:18:18,320 --> 00:18:21,320 Are we heading for a future where a policeman stops you and says, 255 00:18:21,320 --> 00:18:24,720 "Do you know how fast your hair was going, sir?" It's out of my hands. 256 00:18:24,720 --> 00:18:29,800 Does it have to be your hair... on your head... Enough! If I buy some pants? 257 00:18:29,800 --> 00:18:31,360 What, Honda pants? 258 00:18:32,200 --> 00:18:35,880 But imagine, 17-year-olds think down there a lot, don't they? 259 00:18:35,880 --> 00:18:39,000 Imagine a 17-year-old boy driving with his pubes. 260 00:18:39,000 --> 00:18:42,720 A million miles an hour! It'd be terrifying. Listen... 261 00:18:42,720 --> 00:18:44,960 Ferrari - let's get it back to cars. 262 00:18:44,960 --> 00:18:49,840 Ferrari has made a new car. It's their first-ever 4-wheel drive car, 263 00:18:49,840 --> 00:18:51,560 their first-ever hatchback. 264 00:18:51,560 --> 00:18:54,400 There's a picture here, it's called the FF. 265 00:18:54,400 --> 00:18:58,960 It's got a V12 direct-injection engine, 6.2 litre, 266 00:18:58,960 --> 00:19:04,120 208 miles an hour, it's going to cost �250,000, which is a lot, 267 00:19:04,120 --> 00:19:06,920 but I think that's fantastic. It's a return to what I call 268 00:19:06,920 --> 00:19:09,960 the shooting brake, the two-plus-two estate. 269 00:19:09,960 --> 00:19:13,160 We haven't seen one of those since the Lancia HPE. 270 00:19:13,160 --> 00:19:18,960 Ooh, yes. And do you remember the Volvo P1800ES? 271 00:19:18,960 --> 00:19:22,480 That wasn't very brilliant, though. No, it was terrible, but it looked good. 272 00:19:22,480 --> 00:19:28,800 It looked brilliant. And the Reliant Scimitar, which you can see... Ah-hum! You've forgotten the rules! 273 00:19:28,800 --> 00:19:33,320 The law of the land states, if you say "Reliant Scimitar" you have to have a comma and then say... 274 00:19:33,320 --> 00:19:36,160 Princess Anne has one of those, you know? 275 00:19:36,160 --> 00:19:39,320 But you say it in such a way that you assume no-one else knows. 276 00:19:39,320 --> 00:19:43,760 It's extraordinary, I can't think of another person who is so associated with a car. 277 00:19:43,760 --> 00:19:48,960 Nobody ever says, "Henry Kissinger had an Escort RS2000." He didn't, though, did he, let's be honest. 278 00:19:48,960 --> 00:19:51,920 She is commonly thought of as being the hardest working Royal. 279 00:19:51,920 --> 00:19:53,800 She does a lot of work for a lot of people, 280 00:19:53,800 --> 00:19:55,960 raises millions of pounds all over the world. 281 00:19:55,960 --> 00:20:00,160 Yet she's still just known for having a Reliant Scimitar. It must be annoying. 282 00:20:00,160 --> 00:20:04,240 If you think about it - her daughter is getting married later this year. 283 00:20:04,240 --> 00:20:08,160 You just know the commentary. They'll wheel out a Dimbleby and the commentary will be, 284 00:20:08,160 --> 00:20:12,680 "There's the bride's mother looking radiant - she has a Reliant Scimitar, you know." 285 00:20:12,680 --> 00:20:17,440 It will. I've never driven a Reliant Scimitar, you know? 286 00:20:17,440 --> 00:20:21,800 I know someone who's got one. Do you? Yeah, Princess Anne. Oh, right. 287 00:20:21,800 --> 00:20:25,840 You know the Fiat 500. We love it. There's a new one - the Fiat 500 Twin Air. 288 00:20:25,840 --> 00:20:29,960 It's got a tiny 875cc 2-cylinder engine in there 289 00:20:29,960 --> 00:20:35,440 and it produces so little CO2 that it's free to go in the congestion charging zone in London. 290 00:20:35,440 --> 00:20:38,160 Great little thing. When I heard it had a 2-cylinder engine, 291 00:20:38,160 --> 00:20:40,720 I thought that won't move, but it goes like the clappers. 292 00:20:40,720 --> 00:20:44,840 It sounds like a billion hornets stuck in someone's bicycle spokes. 293 00:20:44,840 --> 00:20:48,240 Brrrrrr! It's just fantastic! 294 00:20:48,240 --> 00:20:52,680 There is one problem with this fuel-saving car, though. What? 295 00:20:52,680 --> 00:20:55,840 It uses quite a lot of fuel. Yes, it does. 296 00:20:55,840 --> 00:20:58,880 Can't argue with that. We did a test last week. 297 00:20:58,880 --> 00:21:02,920 We left the track here, went back to London - so a bit of country road, 298 00:21:02,920 --> 00:21:06,960 bit of dual carriageway, bit of city driving, and it averaged 38mpg. 299 00:21:06,960 --> 00:21:13,680 We did the same route in a Volkswagen Polo Bluemotion and that did 50mpg. 300 00:21:13,680 --> 00:21:17,560 So we have a Top Gear top tip. If you want to buy a car to save fuel, 301 00:21:17,560 --> 00:21:19,960 buy this one and don't save any. 302 00:21:19,960 --> 00:21:25,160 You won't save anything, but you will have an enormous amount of fun not saving any money. 303 00:21:25,160 --> 00:21:27,200 That's what it's for. That's fine by me. 304 00:21:27,200 --> 00:21:30,520 You know Breakfast News on television? No, not really. 305 00:21:30,520 --> 00:21:37,120 You must. Earlier this week they ran a story about cyclists wearing video cameras on their crash helmets. Yeah. 306 00:21:37,120 --> 00:21:41,600 So they can video examples of road rage and people cutting them up. 307 00:21:41,600 --> 00:21:43,240 But cyclists deserve it. 308 00:21:43,240 --> 00:21:46,680 Don't say that. But they do. Just the other week... Honestly, 309 00:21:46,680 --> 00:21:48,760 I'm sitting in a traffic jam, in London, 310 00:21:48,760 --> 00:21:52,480 and a Frenchman tried to cycle between the pavement and my car 311 00:21:52,480 --> 00:21:56,040 and after he'd removed most of the paint with the brake handle thing, 312 00:21:56,040 --> 00:22:00,920 he came round to the driver's door to tell me off in that silly accent French people have. 313 00:22:00,920 --> 00:22:03,120 A French accent. Yes, that. 314 00:22:03,120 --> 00:22:07,880 I said to him, "If you just work harder, you could have a car." Oh, you see...! 315 00:22:07,880 --> 00:22:12,240 YOU are exactly the reason why I want a camera on my helmet when I cycle. 316 00:22:12,240 --> 00:22:15,640 Why? So when idiots like you get out of their car, having cut me up... 317 00:22:15,640 --> 00:22:18,640 Who pays the road tax? Well... I'm sorry. 318 00:22:18,640 --> 00:22:23,880 I don't mind if cyclists want to come on the road with their silly Victorian distractions. 319 00:22:23,880 --> 00:22:26,000 But they must behave themselves. 320 00:22:26,000 --> 00:22:28,920 There are a few militant cyclists... You're one of them. 321 00:22:28,920 --> 00:22:33,120 I'm not a militant cyclist. You are. On a bicycle, you are a peach. 322 00:22:34,760 --> 00:22:39,240 Actually, you're a peach most of the time, but you're a big peach. 323 00:22:39,240 --> 00:22:45,160 You're just another fat car in his Mercedes and has a pop at me for riding my bike to work... 324 00:22:45,160 --> 00:22:48,720 You always do, don't you? Often. Yesterday I saw you riding to work, 325 00:22:48,720 --> 00:22:53,360 and I thought, that bicycle looks exactly like a 1967 Ford Mustang. 326 00:22:53,360 --> 00:22:56,280 Yeah, well...always ride it, no. 327 00:22:56,280 --> 00:22:58,600 Right, that is the end of the news. 328 00:22:58,600 --> 00:23:04,040 Now, what we have here is a Ford Sierra Cosworth and a Ford Escort Cosworth. 329 00:23:04,040 --> 00:23:09,440 I like these cars very much, which is why I am delighted to say 330 00:23:09,440 --> 00:23:13,840 that after a 15-year gap, the Cosworth name is back. 331 00:23:13,840 --> 00:23:17,680 But not where you might be expecting it. 332 00:23:25,120 --> 00:23:27,960 Here it is, on the back of a Subaru. 333 00:23:30,800 --> 00:23:33,360 And in theory, that's a marriage 334 00:23:33,360 --> 00:23:35,440 made in heaven. 335 00:23:35,440 --> 00:23:40,200 You see, what Cosworth is really good at is taking ordinary, boring family saloons 336 00:23:40,200 --> 00:23:43,800 and turning them into street-fighting, 337 00:23:43,800 --> 00:23:47,000 come-on-if-you-think-you're hard-enough road racers 338 00:23:47,000 --> 00:23:51,920 with fiery nostrils and a Geordie Saturday night attitude to peace and love. 339 00:23:56,680 --> 00:24:00,720 But what they've done here is take a dreary Impreza SDI 340 00:24:00,720 --> 00:24:03,880 and throw most of it away. 341 00:24:06,720 --> 00:24:11,920 The 2.5 litre flat-four engine is fitted with new pistons, bearings, 342 00:24:11,920 --> 00:24:14,440 conrods, gaskets and head nuts, 343 00:24:14,440 --> 00:24:17,840 along with a totally reworked oil pump, turbo charger, 344 00:24:17,840 --> 00:24:20,960 intercooler, intake system and exhaust. 345 00:24:20,960 --> 00:24:24,920 There have been similar modifications elsewhere - new wheels, tyres, 346 00:24:24,920 --> 00:24:29,440 springs, dampers, bushings and brakes. 347 00:24:29,440 --> 00:24:33,080 It's not really a Subaru any more, is it? 348 00:24:33,080 --> 00:24:35,200 HE LAUGHS 349 00:24:36,280 --> 00:24:38,600 So, is it any good? 350 00:24:38,600 --> 00:24:40,840 In a word, quite. 351 00:24:40,840 --> 00:24:47,160 Certainly, it does capture some of the magic we used to get from old Subaru Imprezas. 352 00:24:50,600 --> 00:24:52,080 Whoo-hoo-hoo! 353 00:24:56,800 --> 00:24:58,960 Even when you think all is lost - 354 00:24:58,960 --> 00:25:04,040 sliding - oh, no, you just give it a dab of power, like that, 355 00:25:04,040 --> 00:25:08,800 and even in rain like this, it isn't lost any more. 356 00:25:19,280 --> 00:25:21,120 Other nice things? 357 00:25:21,120 --> 00:25:25,640 Well, it rides beautifully for such a limpet mine, and it is quick. 358 00:25:26,960 --> 00:25:30,000 0-60 takes 3.5 seconds. 359 00:25:31,960 --> 00:25:35,560 But there's a huge amount of turbo lag. 360 00:25:35,560 --> 00:25:39,160 I'm now in fifth gear, 60mph, foot down... 361 00:25:40,440 --> 00:25:41,560 ..nothing. 362 00:25:44,120 --> 00:25:45,760 Still nothing. 363 00:25:45,760 --> 00:25:48,840 Hang on a minute, hang on... 364 00:25:48,840 --> 00:25:51,920 No, I was mistaken, sorry, still nothing. 365 00:25:53,360 --> 00:25:55,440 There is another issue, too. 366 00:25:55,440 --> 00:25:59,920 Cosworths are supposed to be rough-and-ready cars for people who work with ladders. 367 00:25:59,920 --> 00:26:02,560 They're supposed to be a cheap-and-cheerful way 368 00:26:02,560 --> 00:26:06,400 of embarrassing the Ruperts and the Joneses in their Ferraris, 369 00:26:06,400 --> 00:26:11,160 but this is as near as makes no difference �50,000, 370 00:26:11,160 --> 00:26:16,000 and with all that turbo lag, all you're going to embarrass really is...yourself. 371 00:26:17,160 --> 00:26:18,800 Still nothing. 372 00:26:18,800 --> 00:26:20,520 Still nothing. 373 00:26:21,840 --> 00:26:26,200 So, if the Subaru's no good, what else is there? 374 00:26:31,000 --> 00:26:33,440 Well, there's this. 375 00:26:34,600 --> 00:26:39,600 It's the Ford Focus RS500, and let's not mess about... 376 00:26:39,600 --> 00:26:42,640 it's brilliant. 377 00:26:46,880 --> 00:26:48,320 Ha-ha! 378 00:26:51,960 --> 00:26:58,840 It has a 2.5 litre turbo-charged engine, just like the Subaru, 379 00:26:58,840 --> 00:27:04,480 not quite as powerful, but you still get 345 brake horsepower... 380 00:27:07,480 --> 00:27:10,160 ..all of which is sent to the front wheels. 381 00:27:14,680 --> 00:27:17,480 That sounds like the recipe for a massive accident. 382 00:27:17,480 --> 00:27:20,160 TYRES SQUEAL But it isn't. 383 00:27:20,160 --> 00:27:22,320 This is really very, very good. 384 00:27:23,320 --> 00:27:27,680 Of course, you do get a fair bit of torque steer. 385 00:27:27,680 --> 00:27:31,200 Watch the steering wheel when I put my foot down. Hands off, here we go, 386 00:27:31,200 --> 00:27:34,200 and...yeah, we've turned right. 387 00:27:34,200 --> 00:27:38,240 And right again. Every time the turbo cuts in, you turn right. 388 00:27:38,240 --> 00:27:43,920 But, thanks to a clever front differential, the grip is incredible. 389 00:27:51,880 --> 00:27:55,680 It's also extremely fast. 390 00:27:56,560 --> 00:28:01,600 The top speed, they say, is 165mph. 391 00:28:03,520 --> 00:28:06,280 165 - that means this Ford Focus 392 00:28:06,280 --> 00:28:11,600 is 10mph faster than a BMW M5. 393 00:28:12,760 --> 00:28:14,800 Since that is now 150... 394 00:28:15,600 --> 00:28:17,000 155... 395 00:28:17,000 --> 00:28:19,440 yeah, I'll believe them. 396 00:28:22,760 --> 00:28:26,040 This is a really well-sorted car. 397 00:28:27,160 --> 00:28:31,920 Well-equipped too, with voice activated keyless Bluetooth. 398 00:28:31,920 --> 00:28:35,560 And to top it off, it's �35,000, 399 00:28:35,560 --> 00:28:39,200 nearly �15,000 less than the Subaru. 400 00:28:39,200 --> 00:28:42,240 So if you're after a family hatchback 401 00:28:42,240 --> 00:28:47,680 that's vaguely yobbish and very fast, this is your obvious choice. 402 00:28:47,680 --> 00:28:49,320 Or is it? 403 00:29:05,720 --> 00:29:07,800 This is a Volvo. 404 00:29:08,960 --> 00:29:11,320 But, before you leap to conclusions... 405 00:29:13,000 --> 00:29:14,360 ..watch this. 406 00:29:17,920 --> 00:29:19,520 I'm in the Volvo! 407 00:29:24,320 --> 00:29:27,800 Go! It's a good start. 408 00:29:29,680 --> 00:29:31,880 And look at this! 409 00:29:33,680 --> 00:29:36,720 The Hush Puppy is beating the Reeboks. 410 00:29:38,120 --> 00:29:41,880 Oh, yes! Ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! 411 00:29:42,880 --> 00:29:44,320 Yes! 412 00:29:45,400 --> 00:29:47,920 The pensioner is victorious. 413 00:29:55,080 --> 00:30:01,760 So, what is it, then, this deafening, electric-blue streak from the frozen North? 414 00:30:05,160 --> 00:30:10,440 Well, it uses exactly the same turbo-charged 2.5 litre engine 415 00:30:10,440 --> 00:30:15,640 that Ford use in the hot Focus, but in this it's all turned up to 27... 416 00:30:15,640 --> 00:30:19,760 or 86 or 109 because it produces, 417 00:30:19,760 --> 00:30:22,280 as near as makes no difference, 418 00:30:22,280 --> 00:30:24,400 400 horsepower. 419 00:30:28,680 --> 00:30:30,760 Small wonder they called it the PCP 420 00:30:30,760 --> 00:30:35,040 cos it really is like driving around in a cloud of angel dust. 421 00:30:35,680 --> 00:30:36,960 Brrrrrrrr! 422 00:30:43,640 --> 00:30:45,040 ENGINE ROARS 423 00:30:45,040 --> 00:30:46,280 Listen to that! 424 00:30:46,280 --> 00:30:48,200 ENGINE ROARS 425 00:30:49,040 --> 00:30:52,640 Of course, you probably think it will all fall to pieces 426 00:30:52,640 --> 00:30:55,280 when it sees a corner. But, no. 427 00:31:00,640 --> 00:31:04,400 It has, I'm delighted to say on a day like today, four-wheel-drive, 428 00:31:04,400 --> 00:31:09,720 so the grip is just phenomenal and you can reach amazing angles 429 00:31:09,720 --> 00:31:10,840 and still rescue it. 430 00:31:13,880 --> 00:31:17,640 It was built for fun by the team that makes the Volvos 431 00:31:17,640 --> 00:31:21,520 for the Swedish Touring Car Championship 432 00:31:21,520 --> 00:31:23,240 and it is genuinely remarkable. 433 00:31:23,240 --> 00:31:28,040 Really sharp, really hard, really raw, 434 00:31:28,040 --> 00:31:31,360 and it just goes like the clappers. 435 00:31:36,600 --> 00:31:41,600 To top it all off, the PCP is based on a normal Volvo C30, 436 00:31:41,600 --> 00:31:44,000 which we on Top Gear think is the best-looking 437 00:31:44,000 --> 00:31:46,960 of all the small hatchbacks. 438 00:31:46,960 --> 00:31:50,600 Inside, the steering wheel, the gear lever, the doors, 439 00:31:50,600 --> 00:31:54,920 the seats, everything, is covered in what appears to be mole skin. 440 00:31:54,920 --> 00:31:59,040 And that does make you wonder how big was the mole 441 00:31:59,040 --> 00:32:01,480 they peeled to make this piece? 442 00:32:07,120 --> 00:32:12,720 This car is epic, but there is one quite large problem with it. 443 00:32:12,720 --> 00:32:16,440 Volvo refuses point blank to put it into production. 444 00:32:19,080 --> 00:32:20,200 Pity. 445 00:32:21,840 --> 00:32:24,880 APPLAUSE 446 00:32:24,880 --> 00:32:31,640 Wow. It's a shame. That Volvo does just sound incredible. Amazing. 447 00:32:31,640 --> 00:32:35,200 But because they're not actually making it, you would have the Focus? 448 00:32:35,200 --> 00:32:39,480 The problem is, they only made 500 of these and they're sold out. 449 00:32:39,480 --> 00:32:42,440 Right. So if you want a very hot hatch, it's got to be 450 00:32:42,440 --> 00:32:44,400 the not so good Subaru? 451 00:32:44,400 --> 00:32:48,600 They only made 75 of those and they are sold out, as well. 452 00:32:48,600 --> 00:32:53,040 Hang on, you have just spent nine minutes of our lives 453 00:32:53,040 --> 00:32:56,360 reviewing two cars you can't buy and one that doesn't exist? 454 00:32:56,360 --> 00:32:57,800 Yes, I have. Thank you. 455 00:32:57,800 --> 00:33:02,200 Yes, I have. Now, we must find out how fast they go round our track. 456 00:33:02,200 --> 00:33:06,040 Not the Volvo, because this board is for production cars only, 457 00:33:06,040 --> 00:33:07,800 so, the other two. 458 00:33:07,800 --> 00:33:11,000 That, of course, means handing them to our tame racing driver. 459 00:33:11,000 --> 00:33:17,040 Some say he once tore a goat in half 460 00:33:17,040 --> 00:33:20,920 and that he's now regretting buying his new holiday home 461 00:33:20,920 --> 00:33:23,000 in downtown Cairo. 462 00:33:23,000 --> 00:33:24,040 LAUGHTER 463 00:33:24,040 --> 00:33:26,680 All we know is, he's called the Stig. 464 00:33:26,680 --> 00:33:30,600 And they're off. The track is damp and that should mean 465 00:33:30,600 --> 00:33:33,680 the four-wheel-drive Subaru has the advantage over 466 00:33:33,680 --> 00:33:35,360 the front-wheel-drive Ford. 467 00:33:35,360 --> 00:33:36,960 Let's see in the first corner. 468 00:33:36,960 --> 00:33:41,920 Coming in wide and... let's have a look. 469 00:33:41,920 --> 00:33:44,160 Oh, it's the Imprezza, getting out of shape. 470 00:33:44,160 --> 00:33:48,240 ? Going loco down in Acapulco... ? 471 00:33:48,240 --> 00:33:51,880 Absolutely no idea why he is listening to that. 472 00:33:51,880 --> 00:33:56,440 Now, the Ford coming out there, looking OK, good. 473 00:33:56,440 --> 00:33:59,280 That trick dif pulling it straight in the Hammerhead. 474 00:33:59,280 --> 00:34:02,120 Let's watch out for understeer from either of them... 475 00:34:03,080 --> 00:34:04,400 No, all pretty tidy. 476 00:34:04,400 --> 00:34:08,360 So, here we are, two turbo-charged slingshots on to the straight. 477 00:34:13,800 --> 00:34:16,120 Into Follow-through... 478 00:34:16,120 --> 00:34:19,760 Ooh, Stig drifting the Subaru like a mad one! 479 00:34:20,720 --> 00:34:23,160 Imprezzas normally look like a gum disease. 480 00:34:23,160 --> 00:34:25,720 This one is a gum disease with a spoiler on it. 481 00:34:25,720 --> 00:34:29,720 And with those blacked windows, the Ford looks like a van. 482 00:34:29,720 --> 00:34:31,320 Just Gambon left. 483 00:34:31,320 --> 00:34:34,280 Two hatchback drabs coming through there. 484 00:34:35,640 --> 00:34:36,840 And across the line! 485 00:34:36,840 --> 00:34:39,440 APPLAUSE 486 00:34:39,440 --> 00:34:43,680 I have the times here. And the Focus did it 487 00:34:43,680 --> 00:34:48,520 in 1.30.8. So, wet track, in between two 911s. 488 00:34:48,520 --> 00:34:51,960 The Subaru, though, I think, thanks to four-wheel-drive, did it in 489 00:34:51,960 --> 00:34:57,520 1.27.7, so that goes there, look. 490 00:34:57,520 --> 00:35:00,960 That's some useful consumer advice, if you are thinking of buying 491 00:35:00,960 --> 00:35:04,200 any of them, which you aren't, because you can't. Thanks(!) 492 00:35:04,200 --> 00:35:07,160 Let's move on now. It's time, in fact, to put a star 493 00:35:07,160 --> 00:35:09,080 in our reasonably-priced car. 494 00:35:09,080 --> 00:35:11,840 My guest tonight is a prodigious tweeter. 495 00:35:11,840 --> 00:35:14,800 He tweeted only this morning to say he was going to appear 496 00:35:14,800 --> 00:35:17,120 on the show dressed as a Mexican. 497 00:35:17,120 --> 00:35:18,240 LAUGHTER 498 00:35:18,240 --> 00:35:20,760 Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, Jonathan Ross! 499 00:35:20,760 --> 00:35:24,760 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 500 00:35:24,760 --> 00:35:27,360 Thank you. Thank you. Hello. Hello, Jeremy. 501 00:35:27,360 --> 00:35:30,600 Very well. How are you? I'm good. Have a seat. 502 00:35:31,640 --> 00:35:32,680 What? 503 00:35:32,680 --> 00:35:35,760 I brought my Mexican wrestling mask along, 504 00:35:35,760 --> 00:35:38,680 so you can apologise in person. 505 00:35:38,680 --> 00:35:40,480 Put it away. 506 00:35:40,480 --> 00:35:43,640 There's just no possibility of us mentioning Mexico this week. 507 00:35:43,640 --> 00:35:48,400 We mentioned it maybe twice, I think we have got away with it. You are back on the BBC? 508 00:35:48,400 --> 00:35:51,880 I'm back, who thought that would happen? Not me. I had 20 quid on it. 509 00:35:53,800 --> 00:35:54,840 Are you a bit nervous? 510 00:35:54,840 --> 00:35:57,040 No. Why, should I be? 511 00:35:57,040 --> 00:35:58,120 No, back on the Beeb. 512 00:35:58,120 --> 00:36:00,280 I thought you were going to come out to me. 513 00:36:01,200 --> 00:36:03,600 At least you have chosen to come back on a show 514 00:36:03,600 --> 00:36:05,680 that never gets into trouble. Exactly. 515 00:36:05,680 --> 00:36:07,960 And I'm a safe booking for you. Exactly. 516 00:36:07,960 --> 00:36:13,360 Listen....do you have Tourette's or do you know what you're doing? 517 00:36:13,360 --> 00:36:15,200 BLEEP BLEEP, you BLEEP! 518 00:36:15,200 --> 00:36:16,400 LAUGHTER 519 00:36:16,400 --> 00:36:20,360 Oh no, I don't. Did that come out? 520 00:36:20,360 --> 00:36:21,680 Yeah, you said it out loud. 521 00:36:21,680 --> 00:36:24,120 For me, that was just in there. 522 00:36:24,120 --> 00:36:27,800 No, I don't have Tourette's, Mr Clarkson, but I do sometimes 523 00:36:27,800 --> 00:36:30,320 maybe go a little bit further than other people. 524 00:36:30,320 --> 00:36:34,040 I always thought that was part of what I should do. 525 00:36:34,040 --> 00:36:37,840 You are paid to do certain things and feel you should push things in a certain way and put it out. 526 00:36:37,840 --> 00:36:42,160 You had David Cameron on the show and asked him if - what's the word 527 00:36:42,160 --> 00:36:45,920 I can use? - pleasured himself while thinking about Mrs Thatcher? 528 00:36:45,920 --> 00:36:47,800 Yes. You did say that? 529 00:36:47,800 --> 00:36:49,880 And then there was Gwyneth Paltrow. 530 00:36:49,880 --> 00:36:53,360 You said you would like to make a bouncy-bouncy! 531 00:36:53,360 --> 00:36:57,400 Look, when you were driven round by Cameron Diaz, 532 00:36:57,400 --> 00:36:59,520 what were you thinking? Oh. 533 00:36:59,520 --> 00:37:00,680 Yes. 534 00:37:00,680 --> 00:37:02,160 LAUGHTER 535 00:37:02,160 --> 00:37:05,720 We know what you were thinking. Many bad things. You didn't say it out loud, but I was... 536 00:37:05,720 --> 00:37:10,040 The show I had on the BBC, certainly part of the fun of it and part of what we were doing 537 00:37:10,040 --> 00:37:13,040 was doing something very much of the moment and that was the joke. 538 00:37:13,040 --> 00:37:16,320 I would stand by that, even though that was one of the complaints upheld, 539 00:37:16,320 --> 00:37:21,680 not made by Cameron, by the way. who I would still love to... Cameron? David Cameron? 540 00:37:21,680 --> 00:37:23,640 Cameron Diaz. Oh, Cameron Diaz! 541 00:37:23,640 --> 00:37:27,640 I thought you were coming out to David Cameron - a terrifying prospect. 542 00:37:27,640 --> 00:37:31,000 I'd rather come out to Nick Clegg. He looks so much easier to dominate! 543 00:37:33,680 --> 00:37:37,240 We are living in strange times. We must be careful that we don't 544 00:37:37,240 --> 00:37:39,160 trip up over anybody, which means... 545 00:37:39,160 --> 00:37:40,720 We can't talk about anything. 546 00:37:40,720 --> 00:37:42,360 Well, your beard... 547 00:37:42,360 --> 00:37:45,600 Lovely. We might upset beards and beardmen. 548 00:37:45,600 --> 00:37:49,000 Why have you grown a beard? Why have I grown a beard? Mmm. 549 00:37:49,000 --> 00:37:51,680 It's easier than getting up and shaving, for a start, 550 00:37:51,680 --> 00:37:55,120 because you only do this - zzz, zzz, zzz. I did take a really big chunk 551 00:37:55,120 --> 00:37:56,640 out the bottom the other day, 552 00:37:56,640 --> 00:37:59,040 because I've got one where you set it and it takes a bit, 553 00:37:59,040 --> 00:38:02,560 but I had it on the wrong one, my wife was talking, I went, "Yes, darling." and I had 554 00:38:02,560 --> 00:38:04,360 a reverse Mohawk, with a big stripe up there. 555 00:38:04,360 --> 00:38:06,480 The opposite of a Brazilian? 556 00:38:06,480 --> 00:38:09,840 Yes, I do use the same one down there, to trim up the old fella, 557 00:38:09,840 --> 00:38:13,200 because otherwise you get to our age and you can't see anything there. 558 00:38:13,200 --> 00:38:16,480 I should explain, we are - we don't look it - but we are the same age. 559 00:38:16,480 --> 00:38:18,200 Man, what happened to you?! 560 00:38:18,200 --> 00:38:20,800 LAUGHTER 561 00:38:20,800 --> 00:38:23,560 Well, I'm now... You were going there, I had to get in first! 562 00:38:23,560 --> 00:38:25,880 I now walk up stairs. Do you? Yeah. Have you never walked up? 563 00:38:25,880 --> 00:38:29,680 What did you used to do - crawl on your belly like a snake? 564 00:38:29,680 --> 00:38:31,600 No, do you not do exercise? 565 00:38:31,600 --> 00:38:34,120 I do. I'm quite strong at the moment, but a bit flabby. 566 00:38:34,120 --> 00:38:37,560 Can you do those things where you lie on the floor, you basically do 567 00:38:37,560 --> 00:38:41,000 a press up and then just hold it there? A plank, yes. You cannot. 568 00:38:41,000 --> 00:38:43,520 What's wrong with you? You made out of jelly ? 569 00:38:44,480 --> 00:38:48,040 Get your clock out. Get your BLEEP out?! I'm going. 570 00:38:48,040 --> 00:38:51,440 At least my hearing's still working! What's wrong with you?! 571 00:38:51,440 --> 00:38:54,920 Get down on the floor. I bet you I can do one for longer. Go! 572 00:38:54,920 --> 00:38:57,720 LAUGHTER 573 00:38:57,720 --> 00:39:01,480 I can be here for hours. I can be here for hours. Are you in a rush? 574 00:39:01,480 --> 00:39:05,320 My arms are starting to wobble quite badly now. They're not. They are. 575 00:39:11,200 --> 00:39:12,480 That was just bullying! 576 00:39:12,480 --> 00:39:14,080 APPLAUSE 577 00:39:14,080 --> 00:39:18,280 Otherwise, we would have been there for hours. I can do that, literally, all day. 578 00:39:18,280 --> 00:39:20,640 That is not an exercise. It is an exercise. 579 00:39:20,640 --> 00:39:23,080 That is not an exercise. All you have done is freeze 580 00:39:23,080 --> 00:39:25,080 your joints in place, that's not an exercise. 581 00:39:29,200 --> 00:39:32,880 Give me a minute. It is hard, isn't it? I'm sweating quite badly. 582 00:39:32,880 --> 00:39:37,480 You grow this. Now we have passed 50, this has just appeared. 583 00:39:37,480 --> 00:39:41,800 I have no clue what you're saying. I want to talk about cars. People buy cars for different reasons. 584 00:39:41,800 --> 00:39:45,600 I buy them because they're loud, James May buys them because they're brown. 585 00:39:45,600 --> 00:39:48,400 Looking at yours, you buy them because they're stupid. 586 00:39:48,400 --> 00:39:52,760 Well, you might think stupid, but one man's stupid is another man's cute and fun. 587 00:39:52,760 --> 00:39:55,480 Pink Ford Thunderbird? I've got the Thunderbird. 588 00:39:55,480 --> 00:39:57,000 It is quite stupid. 589 00:39:57,000 --> 00:40:00,480 No, it's pretty. I don't like driving around seeing all cars look the same. 590 00:40:00,480 --> 00:40:03,880 I like Hammond, what's happened to him recently? He's got very... 591 00:40:03,880 --> 00:40:06,920 In what way? He looks like - imagine if you asked a girlie girl 592 00:40:06,920 --> 00:40:09,000 to decorate a scarecrow, that's him. 593 00:40:09,000 --> 00:40:10,720 LAUGHTER 594 00:40:10,720 --> 00:40:13,800 Somebody's bought him an Adam and the Ants video. He's wearing a necklace. 595 00:40:13,800 --> 00:40:15,560 ? Stand and deliver. ? 596 00:40:15,560 --> 00:40:17,600 Does he think he's on his gap-year? 597 00:40:17,600 --> 00:40:19,120 LAUGHTER 598 00:40:19,120 --> 00:40:22,640 At least May, you know he's going to be dull before you see him. 599 00:40:22,640 --> 00:40:25,320 MAY: I don't much like Jonathan Ross, he's much too flamboyant. 600 00:40:25,320 --> 00:40:27,120 He didn't like me at all. 601 00:40:27,120 --> 00:40:30,160 Stop changing the subject. Pink Thunderbird? 602 00:40:30,160 --> 00:40:32,680 It's coral pink and I love convertibles. 603 00:40:32,680 --> 00:40:37,240 If it's not raining, even if it's Arctic, I will have... in the snow, I had my roof down. 604 00:40:37,240 --> 00:40:40,960 Just tell me, when you are driving along then and people can see it is you and everything... 605 00:40:40,960 --> 00:40:42,360 BEEP, BEEP 606 00:40:42,360 --> 00:40:47,680 Are people appreciative or do they say other things? They love it. "Hey, Wossy", all the time. 607 00:40:47,680 --> 00:40:50,440 The other ones - a Messerschmitt and a bubble car. 608 00:40:50,440 --> 00:40:53,720 Is that two... The Messerschmitt has got the seat behind each other. 609 00:40:53,720 --> 00:40:58,120 It's like a two-stroke engine, but it's really weird, because if you want to go in reverse, 610 00:40:58,120 --> 00:41:02,160 you press the key and when you do the ignition, the solenoid drops to the back. 611 00:41:02,160 --> 00:41:04,840 So you can get in fourth gear in reverse. You can. 612 00:41:04,840 --> 00:41:09,320 You can go to something like 50mph in reverse in something which is like a lunchbox. 613 00:41:09,320 --> 00:41:10,960 LAUGHTER 614 00:41:10,960 --> 00:41:15,240 You've got kids, family and all that. There's nothing in that list where you say, 615 00:41:15,240 --> 00:41:16,960 "Come on, kids, I'll take you in..." 616 00:41:17,280 --> 00:41:20,040 The one we use for the family is the car we have had the longest, 617 00:41:20,040 --> 00:41:23,320 which is, we've got a Toyota Previa, bought second hand 12 years ago, 618 00:41:23,320 --> 00:41:26,520 and we've had any number of scrapes in it. The dogs have been sick, 619 00:41:26,520 --> 00:41:29,200 people have dropped drinks everywhere. 620 00:41:29,200 --> 00:41:33,480 I think my wife did a wee once on a long journey. We've all done it! 621 00:41:33,480 --> 00:41:36,480 I was saying to her the other day, "You know what is a brilliant idea, 622 00:41:36,480 --> 00:41:41,200 "we should get together and get some business, go and see the Dragons." If you had a car seat, 623 00:41:41,200 --> 00:41:43,440 on a long journey, pull out a little thing and it's a potty. 624 00:41:43,440 --> 00:41:48,320 Then when you go along, press a button, a little panel opens up underneath the car like on a plane, 625 00:41:48,320 --> 00:41:51,400 drops the poo and the wee out on the motorway. 626 00:41:51,400 --> 00:41:53,080 Or outside someone's house you don't like. 627 00:41:55,520 --> 00:42:00,000 I think we've managed to get through the interview part of the interview without too much of a problem. 628 00:42:00,000 --> 00:42:01,360 Thank Allah for that! 629 00:42:01,360 --> 00:42:02,600 LAUGHTER 630 00:42:02,600 --> 00:42:05,320 That's fine. That's all right. That's positive. 631 00:42:05,320 --> 00:42:08,240 That's all encompassing, that is multi-cultural. 632 00:42:08,240 --> 00:42:10,960 If you do have a problem, write to us, at Jonathan Ross, ITV. 633 00:42:13,920 --> 00:42:16,600 So we get on now, of course, to your lap. Yes. 634 00:42:16,600 --> 00:42:18,760 The last time you were here, you got lost. 635 00:42:18,760 --> 00:42:20,880 No, I didn't get lost. 636 00:42:20,880 --> 00:42:24,320 Well...you stopped at the Hammerhead and went like this... 637 00:42:24,320 --> 00:42:29,160 Because I couldn't... All right, because there was no-one there to give directions and the 638 00:42:29,160 --> 00:42:32,440 track had disappeared under a large, let's call it a lake, shall we? 639 00:42:32,440 --> 00:42:36,520 It was a very rainy day, and I went, apparently, over the line. 640 00:42:36,520 --> 00:42:41,240 Because you are clearly threatened by me, the Alpha male, you took time off me for that reason. 641 00:42:41,240 --> 00:42:43,760 You've got that arthritis in your finger. 642 00:42:43,760 --> 00:42:47,560 No, this is a tragic story from my youth. I chopped the top of my finger off when I was two, 643 00:42:47,560 --> 00:42:50,640 because my mum had gone out to borrow food from the neighbours - 644 00:42:50,640 --> 00:42:55,360 this sounds so bleak and poverty-ridden - I apparently crawled to the bin 645 00:42:55,360 --> 00:42:58,800 and got a can of beans out and then sliced my finger off on the top. 646 00:42:58,800 --> 00:43:02,840 And you see the stitch marks, if you look closely. Look at that. 647 00:43:02,840 --> 00:43:05,160 I did mine skiing in St Moritz! 648 00:43:05,160 --> 00:43:06,840 LAUGHTER 649 00:43:08,680 --> 00:43:11,280 Anyway, who would like to see Jonathan's lap? 650 00:43:11,280 --> 00:43:12,320 ALL: Yes! 651 00:43:12,320 --> 00:43:14,000 Let's have a look. 652 00:43:15,760 --> 00:43:17,960 Right. Ooh, I say we're determined. 653 00:43:17,960 --> 00:43:19,920 Is that a good start? Ish. 654 00:43:19,920 --> 00:43:22,960 I think Clarkson arranges bad weather for me. 655 00:43:24,160 --> 00:43:28,920 Here we go into the first corner, still going round it... 656 00:43:28,920 --> 00:43:31,080 Is that good, I can't tell? 657 00:43:31,080 --> 00:43:33,240 Well, not very fast, but sometimes... 658 00:43:33,240 --> 00:43:36,480 ? I'm turning in nice and I'm braking now, baby. ? 659 00:43:36,480 --> 00:43:42,280 ..sometimes when a car looks slow, it is actually quite fast. 660 00:43:42,280 --> 00:43:44,120 Boom. Third. Up. 661 00:43:45,560 --> 00:43:47,960 Here we go. You have slowed that footage down. 662 00:43:47,960 --> 00:43:49,920 This is very slow through here. 663 00:43:49,920 --> 00:43:52,920 That's a good corner, that's good cornering. 664 00:43:52,920 --> 00:43:56,360 That's where you got lost last time. You've done well - got out of it. 665 00:43:56,360 --> 00:43:59,960 I was trying to go to third and I went into fifth. Showboating. 666 00:43:59,960 --> 00:44:01,160 I was in BLEEP fourth. 667 00:44:01,160 --> 00:44:03,280 I put it in the wrong gear. 668 00:44:03,280 --> 00:44:06,040 Fourth sounds about right, fifth, there. Pretty good. 669 00:44:06,040 --> 00:44:08,960 This is better. And missed the BLEEP tyres. 670 00:44:10,040 --> 00:44:11,560 Whoa! 671 00:44:11,560 --> 00:44:14,560 The reason you look so slow is because you are quite slow. 672 00:44:16,400 --> 00:44:17,920 Where are you going now?! 673 00:44:17,920 --> 00:44:20,200 He told me to do that. Stig told me to do that. 674 00:44:20,200 --> 00:44:24,320 He wouldn't tell you to go off on the grass. You are lost again. 675 00:44:24,320 --> 00:44:27,280 I didn't want to miss the opportunity to see the greenery. 676 00:44:27,840 --> 00:44:31,640 There we go, across the line. Was that my best one? 677 00:44:31,640 --> 00:44:35,960 It's a combination of various shots to illustrate your driving style. 678 00:44:35,960 --> 00:44:39,400 It's harder than it looks. It is harder than it looks. 679 00:44:39,400 --> 00:44:41,200 It isn't easy. What did I do last time? 680 00:44:41,200 --> 00:44:43,320 I bet I've beaten my last time. 681 00:44:43,320 --> 00:44:48,280 I was low last time. You were really low last time. Let's do it. 682 00:44:48,280 --> 00:44:53,520 Last time you were here, you did it in one minute 57 seconds, which would have put you about here. 683 00:44:53,520 --> 00:44:58,240 That was a lot slower, that car. This is a faster car. Yeah. 684 00:44:58,240 --> 00:45:00,680 1.57. This time you did it... 685 00:45:01,840 --> 00:45:02,920 ..one minute... 686 00:45:03,880 --> 00:45:09,600 ..49 dead. Yes! 687 00:45:09,600 --> 00:45:12,200 That is a big improvement. I'm up there with Jeff Goldblum. 688 00:45:14,960 --> 00:45:16,920 Yes! Thank you! And you were in the wet. 689 00:45:16,920 --> 00:45:19,800 That's good. I'm pleased with that. Congratulations. Pretty good. 690 00:45:19,800 --> 00:45:22,280 You have improved massively. 691 00:45:22,280 --> 00:45:23,720 You're still quite slow. 692 00:45:23,720 --> 00:45:26,760 I did better, though. You did, but the thing is, 693 00:45:26,760 --> 00:45:32,160 we also have another little bi of footage to demonstrate that you're not really a car man. 694 00:45:32,160 --> 00:45:35,160 Well, listen, no. I know how to drive. I don't think you do. 695 00:45:35,160 --> 00:45:40,160 Nor does it, it seems, do you know how to get out of a car. 696 00:45:40,160 --> 00:45:44,600 It was too impossible to get out of. Would you like to see Jonathan trying to get out of a car? 697 00:45:44,600 --> 00:45:47,600 I wondered why they made me pull over there to climb out. 698 00:45:47,600 --> 00:45:49,880 Here we go - Jonathan getting out of the car. 699 00:45:49,880 --> 00:45:53,680 BLEEP. I broke it. I broke something. 700 00:45:53,680 --> 00:45:55,520 Ha-ha-ha! 701 00:45:58,600 --> 00:45:59,800 He's out! 702 00:45:59,800 --> 00:46:01,480 Yes! CHEERING 703 00:46:01,480 --> 00:46:03,880 That was hard. That was... 704 00:46:03,880 --> 00:46:07,960 You need to take part in Le Mans where quick driver changes are important. Say no. 705 00:46:07,960 --> 00:46:12,440 It's hard to get out of a car like that and you've put things in the way! Say no 706 00:46:12,440 --> 00:46:15,200 to any race involving a driver change or indeed any race. 707 00:46:15,200 --> 00:46:18,320 I'll come back and try and slowly crawl up that pole of yours. 708 00:46:18,320 --> 00:46:22,360 Oh, come on! This show won't be running that long. LAUGHTER 709 00:46:22,360 --> 00:46:27,880 It's been fantastic having you back. It's lovely being back. Ladies and gentlemen, Jonathan Ross. Thank you. 710 00:46:27,880 --> 00:46:31,080 Great fun. Thank you very much. You've been very kind. 711 00:46:31,080 --> 00:46:32,600 Thank you. 712 00:46:39,520 --> 00:46:42,600 Right, back to the main story. 713 00:46:42,600 --> 00:46:47,880 We've had a letter from a leading light in the Albanian Mafia asking us to find out which is best - 714 00:46:47,880 --> 00:46:54,480 a Rolls, a Merc or a Yugo which, for complicated reasons, Jeremy is using as a Bentley. 715 00:46:54,480 --> 00:46:57,280 Yeah. And he would not stop moaning about it. 716 00:46:57,280 --> 00:47:00,040 You wouldn't stop moaning about our interest in history. Yeah. 717 00:47:00,040 --> 00:47:05,360 Good point there. Word to the wise, never go on a trip with two OLD men 718 00:47:05,360 --> 00:47:09,120 who keep getting teary-eyed about the Cold War. Never go on a trip 719 00:47:09,120 --> 00:47:13,440 anywhere with someone who believes the whole world should be like Birmingham. 720 00:47:21,480 --> 00:47:23,480 It's market day obviously - that's nice. 721 00:47:25,440 --> 00:47:29,000 Taking a wheelbarrow, shovel handles and lettuce. 722 00:47:30,840 --> 00:47:32,960 These little tiny patches of land 723 00:47:32,960 --> 00:47:37,000 each with the little tiny house on it, and people farming it, is that to do with Communism? 724 00:47:39,000 --> 00:47:41,400 He is the stupidest man in the world. 725 00:47:41,400 --> 00:47:43,200 I assume it is. 726 00:47:46,720 --> 00:47:50,440 Ooh, I've seen control towers over there. 727 00:47:52,240 --> 00:47:55,080 I want to go and play on a Cold War airfield. 728 00:47:55,080 --> 00:47:56,960 Oh no. 729 00:47:59,080 --> 00:48:05,000 'The airfield was abandoned, so assuming straight line speed would be important to a Mafia boss 730 00:48:05,000 --> 00:48:09,200 'we lined the cars up on the runway for a drag race.' 731 00:48:10,200 --> 00:48:13,080 This is pure Mercedes territory we're in now. 732 00:48:13,080 --> 00:48:17,560 The S Class might have the smallest engine of the three, a mere six litres, 733 00:48:17,560 --> 00:48:23,840 but that twin turbo-charged V12 belts out 604 brake horsepower 734 00:48:23,840 --> 00:48:27,320 and 737 torques. 735 00:48:29,400 --> 00:48:32,960 On paper, Hammond is right, the Mercedes ought to monster it. 736 00:48:32,960 --> 00:48:39,600 But the Rolls-Royce does have 563bhp AND it has eight gears 737 00:48:39,600 --> 00:48:43,520 where the Mercedes has only five so this will stay on the power better. 738 00:48:43,520 --> 00:48:45,800 Anybody's race, this. 739 00:48:45,800 --> 00:48:48,120 Well, not ANYONE'S. 740 00:48:49,720 --> 00:48:51,440 ENGINES REV 741 00:48:51,440 --> 00:48:54,560 ENGINE FAILS TO TICK OVER 742 00:48:54,560 --> 00:48:56,160 Can I have a push? 743 00:48:56,160 --> 00:48:58,200 This is not customary, is it? 744 00:48:58,200 --> 00:49:00,520 I want to get it going and then we'll have the race. 745 00:49:00,520 --> 00:49:04,160 Yeah. Go! Come on, put your back into it. 746 00:49:04,160 --> 00:49:06,200 ENGINE STARTS Right... 747 00:49:06,200 --> 00:49:08,360 What?! He's gone! 748 00:49:08,360 --> 00:49:09,800 Ha-ha-ha-ha! 749 00:49:09,800 --> 00:49:12,760 They weren't expecting me to do that. 750 00:49:12,760 --> 00:49:15,200 What kind of drag race is that?! 751 00:49:15,200 --> 00:49:17,800 Now, come on, Bentley, come on. 752 00:49:17,800 --> 00:49:19,400 We have the advantage. 753 00:49:20,320 --> 00:49:22,120 Give me a gear. Right. 754 00:49:22,120 --> 00:49:25,840 Three, two, one. 755 00:49:27,160 --> 00:49:29,240 TYRES SQUEAL 756 00:49:29,240 --> 00:49:30,840 Woah! 757 00:49:30,840 --> 00:49:35,640 God that Mercedes is quick. Look at that! This thing is unbelievably fast! 758 00:49:38,680 --> 00:49:40,560 100kph. 759 00:49:42,440 --> 00:49:45,240 Bentley now up to 130... 760 00:49:45,240 --> 00:49:48,560 Oh! Holy moly! 761 00:49:48,560 --> 00:49:50,440 240 kilometres an hour! 762 00:49:50,440 --> 00:49:54,160 153, 4, 5, 6, 7... 763 00:49:59,880 --> 00:50:01,600 260 kilometres an hour! 764 00:50:07,040 --> 00:50:10,520 That is actually quite a big adrenaline hit. Oh... 765 00:50:10,520 --> 00:50:17,400 Quite interesting, the runway here is...has got crazy paving, and some of the slabs are mined 766 00:50:17,400 --> 00:50:22,040 so they can be detonated should Albania be invaded by a country that wants its, um, 767 00:50:22,040 --> 00:50:25,360 watermelons. We're doing 70 now. 768 00:50:28,120 --> 00:50:32,440 'With the drag race done, I thought we should move on. 769 00:50:32,440 --> 00:50:36,000 'But I had forgotten I was on tour with Brezhnev and Khrushchev.' 770 00:50:36,000 --> 00:50:39,200 James, you are in for a surprise. 771 00:50:39,200 --> 00:50:40,640 Oh, bloody hell! 772 00:50:43,840 --> 00:50:47,000 Oh, God! Oh...God... 773 00:50:47,000 --> 00:50:48,400 Those are MiG-15s. 774 00:50:48,400 --> 00:50:50,440 This is astonishing. 775 00:50:50,440 --> 00:50:51,720 That's a 19. 776 00:50:51,720 --> 00:50:53,320 Look at that! 777 00:50:53,320 --> 00:50:55,280 I mean, there's a lot of MiGs here, 778 00:50:55,280 --> 00:50:57,680 really a lot of MiGs. 779 00:51:07,240 --> 00:51:09,000 The drag race has murdered it. 780 00:51:10,400 --> 00:51:12,440 Come on, shut that, let's look at this. 781 00:51:12,440 --> 00:51:15,920 I've never been in a better place to let an engine cool. 782 00:51:15,920 --> 00:51:20,360 Oh! So these are MiG-15s? No, that's a 19. 783 00:51:20,360 --> 00:51:22,200 This is a 19? Yeah. 784 00:51:22,200 --> 00:51:25,680 While those two are re-living their Cold War fantasies, 785 00:51:25,680 --> 00:51:28,160 let me talk you through some features of the S Class. 786 00:51:28,160 --> 00:51:30,120 For a start, I can a adjust 787 00:51:30,120 --> 00:51:31,600 the seat sides down here, 788 00:51:31,600 --> 00:51:34,480 the backrest sides, the lumbar overall, 789 00:51:34,480 --> 00:51:36,520 the lumbar cushioning, the shoulders. 790 00:51:36,520 --> 00:51:39,760 Then I access the massage menu because I have a choice - 791 00:51:39,760 --> 00:51:42,280 slow and gentle, slow and vigorous, fast and gentle, 792 00:51:42,280 --> 00:51:43,600 or fast and vigorous. 793 00:51:44,320 --> 00:51:46,000 Ooh. 794 00:51:46,000 --> 00:51:50,240 It's got... The ejector seat handles are where your right shin is. 795 00:51:50,240 --> 00:51:53,360 This is just... Honestly I have never been anywhere... 796 00:51:53,360 --> 00:51:55,160 Albania is like a museum. It is. 797 00:51:55,160 --> 00:51:57,800 Opening the boot lid, it can be done with a key fob, 798 00:51:57,800 --> 00:52:00,520 or it can be done remotely from within the car. 799 00:52:00,520 --> 00:52:02,440 But you don't want to just open it 800 00:52:02,440 --> 00:52:05,280 because how far do you want your boot lid to open? 801 00:52:05,280 --> 00:52:06,680 I can set it here 802 00:52:06,680 --> 00:52:11,160 to open this much, or a little bit wider, assuming there's room, obviously. 803 00:52:11,160 --> 00:52:15,400 'Back in the scrap yard, James was starting to get boring.' 804 00:52:15,400 --> 00:52:20,160 I think the 17 is interesting because it points to a lot of nascent developments 805 00:52:20,160 --> 00:52:24,880 in aerodynamics around that time when transonic and supersonic flight was only just... 806 00:52:24,880 --> 00:52:31,000 The TU-15, two-seater version of the MiG-15 from the Korean War. I believe that will have been built in China. 807 00:52:31,000 --> 00:52:36,400 When the relationship between China and Russia broke down the Chinese made copy-engineered MiG-15s. 808 00:52:36,400 --> 00:52:38,240 But the flaps still work. 809 00:52:38,240 --> 00:52:39,760 Ailerons, dear boy. 810 00:52:42,440 --> 00:52:47,800 'After James's interesting lecture, I turned my attention back to the Mulsanne.' 811 00:52:49,400 --> 00:52:55,080 I don't know that this new Bentley is going to catch on with Bentley's traditional customer base - 812 00:52:55,080 --> 00:52:58,240 Kerry Katona, Jordan, Peter Andre, 813 00:52:58,240 --> 00:53:01,080 John Terry, Brian Cline, 814 00:53:01,080 --> 00:53:04,600 Wayne Rooney, Coleen Rooney and so on. 815 00:53:04,600 --> 00:53:10,160 'But would it be perfect for a leading light in the Albanian Mafia? 816 00:53:10,160 --> 00:53:15,360 'Or would he prefer one of the others? We realised we didn't know. 817 00:53:15,360 --> 00:53:17,200 'So that night, James and I 818 00:53:17,200 --> 00:53:19,000 'dreamed up one more test 819 00:53:19,000 --> 00:53:23,440 'and then, in the bar, we explained it to Hammond.' 820 00:53:23,440 --> 00:53:26,040 What do you mean, "We're going to rob a bank"? 821 00:53:26,040 --> 00:53:30,560 It's a great test. We rob a bank, OK? Use our three cars 822 00:53:30,560 --> 00:53:32,320 as the getaway cars. 823 00:53:32,320 --> 00:53:35,000 The ones that get away from the police and on to the ferry 824 00:53:35,000 --> 00:53:38,040 and back to Corfu are good cars. 825 00:53:38,040 --> 00:53:40,440 If you're caught by the police and you spend the next 826 00:53:40,440 --> 00:53:44,160 40 years in jail... You've got the wrong car and you know what to blame. The Bentley 827 00:53:44,160 --> 00:53:47,040 might suddenly come good. No, it won't. 828 00:53:49,040 --> 00:53:52,560 'The next morning, we found a bank full of money... 829 00:53:52,560 --> 00:53:54,800 'and robbed it.' 830 00:53:54,800 --> 00:53:57,800 Going for a stroll. Look normal. Look normal. Look normal. 831 00:53:57,800 --> 00:54:01,320 Yeah. Take the Merc, that's the quickest. 832 00:54:02,800 --> 00:54:05,360 Oh, God. Hammond! Hammond! 833 00:54:05,360 --> 00:54:06,960 There we are, completely normal. 834 00:54:06,960 --> 00:54:08,960 TYRES SQUEAL 835 00:54:10,040 --> 00:54:11,960 My Merc... 836 00:54:11,960 --> 00:54:13,160 Clarkson, you BLEEP! 837 00:54:13,160 --> 00:54:16,160 Right, Rolls it is. 838 00:54:17,680 --> 00:54:19,160 Seatbelt safety. 839 00:54:23,040 --> 00:54:25,000 You utter BLEEP! 840 00:54:25,000 --> 00:54:26,120 ALARM BELLS RING 841 00:54:28,160 --> 00:54:32,280 TYRES SQUEAL What a pair of utter, utter cars! 842 00:54:34,120 --> 00:54:36,520 Where's the sign to Saranda? I want Saranda. 843 00:54:36,520 --> 00:54:39,480 Oh, zebra crossing. N-not ideal. 844 00:54:39,480 --> 00:54:41,680 Take your time, chum, why not(?) I would. 845 00:54:41,680 --> 00:54:46,120 Saranda? Saranda? This way? 846 00:54:46,120 --> 00:54:47,720 That's the first time EVER 847 00:54:47,720 --> 00:54:52,400 in history, someone escaping from a bank job has asked directions. 848 00:54:52,400 --> 00:54:55,840 Right, can we make it to the ferry 849 00:54:55,840 --> 00:54:58,680 to Corfu without being caught? 850 00:54:58,680 --> 00:55:01,520 Police, police! 851 00:55:05,720 --> 00:55:08,240 SIRENS WAIL 852 00:55:08,240 --> 00:55:10,120 No! Come on! HORNS BEEP 853 00:55:12,160 --> 00:55:14,080 HE GROANS Hello. 854 00:55:14,080 --> 00:55:15,640 Come on! 855 00:55:15,640 --> 00:55:17,840 Why did we rob a bank at rush hour, Hammond? 856 00:55:17,840 --> 00:55:19,240 Yu-u-uh... 857 00:55:19,240 --> 00:55:21,520 Why didn't we use a cashpoint like everyone else? 858 00:55:22,440 --> 00:55:24,520 HORNS BLARE Undercut. HORNS BLARE 859 00:55:24,520 --> 00:55:25,680 Yes. 860 00:55:26,760 --> 00:55:29,600 'Meanwhile, in the Mulsanne...' 861 00:55:29,600 --> 00:55:33,480 I can't see a bloody thing. 862 00:55:33,480 --> 00:55:35,560 Come on! TYRES SQUEAL 863 00:55:35,560 --> 00:55:38,600 SIRENS WAIL 864 00:55:38,600 --> 00:55:41,200 Crikey, it's the Albanian rozzers. 865 00:55:42,560 --> 00:55:43,800 Argh! 866 00:55:47,720 --> 00:55:50,320 Really annoying me now, keeps dropping down. 867 00:55:50,320 --> 00:55:51,680 How do women wear tights? 868 00:55:55,360 --> 00:55:57,680 Ooh, squeezing, squeezing... 869 00:55:59,120 --> 00:56:03,520 They're getting closer. 'Eventually, the road began to open out.' 870 00:56:03,520 --> 00:56:05,080 Right. Go, go, go, go, go! 871 00:56:05,080 --> 00:56:07,920 Everything you've got, old Roller, come on! 872 00:56:07,920 --> 00:56:10,240 Move! 873 00:56:18,440 --> 00:56:19,920 Don't pull out. Do not... 874 00:56:19,920 --> 00:56:22,000 TYRES SCREECH 875 00:56:23,960 --> 00:56:25,280 JEREMY: BLEEP! 876 00:56:25,280 --> 00:56:32,320 Strewth! How a bank robber lives to be beyond 25 years old, I don't know because it is stressy. 877 00:56:33,760 --> 00:56:37,200 SIRENS WAIL 'In a Bentley, it's VERY stressy.' 878 00:56:43,080 --> 00:56:45,880 The heat's all over me. 879 00:56:45,880 --> 00:56:49,440 Come on, Bentley. 880 00:56:52,240 --> 00:56:54,320 Climbing. Climbing. 881 00:56:54,320 --> 00:56:55,520 Ears popping. 882 00:56:58,320 --> 00:56:59,520 Big drop. 883 00:56:59,520 --> 00:57:03,280 'Annoyingly, on the damp switchback road, Albania's Five-0 884 00:57:03,280 --> 00:57:05,000 'could keep up.' 885 00:57:06,800 --> 00:57:09,160 It rolls a bit more than the Merc. 886 00:57:09,160 --> 00:57:11,680 God. It's like trying to escape in a bed! 887 00:57:11,680 --> 00:57:13,600 I might fall out. 888 00:57:14,640 --> 00:57:17,600 It's got the power. But then you get to a corner - 889 00:57:17,600 --> 00:57:18,680 and this is a biggy - 890 00:57:18,680 --> 00:57:19,800 see, front's gone. 891 00:57:21,720 --> 00:57:24,960 Any curve, any dampness and you've... Whoa. 892 00:57:34,320 --> 00:57:38,160 'Mercifully, though, the road soon straightened out which meant 893 00:57:38,160 --> 00:57:41,160 'Hammond and I could absolutely fly.' 894 00:57:41,160 --> 00:57:43,200 Go, go, go, go, go! 895 00:57:45,400 --> 00:57:51,000 Oh! What a machine! Yes! I like it. 896 00:57:51,000 --> 00:57:53,040 It's faster than I was expecting, this Rolls. 897 00:57:55,040 --> 00:57:57,840 It is genuinely jaw-dropping this thing. 898 00:58:00,120 --> 00:58:03,160 It feels SO fast. 899 00:58:05,760 --> 00:58:08,480 I think I just got air in a Rolls-Royce. 900 00:58:08,480 --> 00:58:10,480 I think I did. 901 00:58:10,480 --> 00:58:13,800 'For James, though, things weren't going so well.' 902 00:58:13,800 --> 00:58:17,240 They're gaining. They're gaining. 903 00:58:17,240 --> 00:58:22,600 No! Catastrophic understeer. 904 00:58:22,600 --> 00:58:27,040 'Up front, Richard and I had left the rozzers far behind.' 905 00:58:30,440 --> 00:58:32,720 The ferry is near now. 906 00:58:32,720 --> 00:58:34,280 Good car, this. 907 00:58:34,280 --> 00:58:35,520 Not as good as my Merc 908 00:58:35,520 --> 00:58:37,160 but a good car none the less. 909 00:58:38,200 --> 00:58:42,360 This is the getaway car of the century. 910 00:58:42,360 --> 00:58:44,440 If you are a leading light 911 00:58:44,440 --> 00:58:47,880 in the Albanian Mafia, look no further. 912 00:58:50,200 --> 00:58:56,640 'Eventually, we made it to the ferry terminal and could taste the freedom.' 913 00:58:56,640 --> 00:59:01,400 Go, just go! Hang on, shouldn't we wait for James? 914 00:59:01,400 --> 00:59:06,040 'But James was in big trouble because the cars chasing us had stopped 915 00:59:06,040 --> 00:59:08,440 'and formed a road block.' 916 00:59:10,160 --> 00:59:12,720 You'll never take me alive, copper. 917 00:59:16,400 --> 00:59:18,280 I'll see you in Spain, lads! 918 00:59:23,400 --> 00:59:25,160 Argh! 919 00:59:25,160 --> 00:59:27,360 GROANING 920 00:59:40,480 --> 00:59:43,520 See you, James. It probably didn't hurt much. 921 00:59:43,520 --> 00:59:45,800 No... Ha-ha-ha! 922 00:59:45,800 --> 00:59:49,880 So James May is dead. Anyway... 923 00:59:49,880 --> 00:59:54,040 APPLAUSE I love Albania. Could you have made THAT 924 00:59:54,040 --> 00:59:57,960 in any other country in the world? Exactly. Anyway, 925 00:59:57,960 --> 01:00:02,840 we must now choose which of the cars is best. Yes, 926 01:00:02,840 --> 01:00:05,240 I suppose we must. I prefer the Merc, definitely. 927 01:00:05,240 --> 01:00:10,640 I know that the late James May preferred the Rolls-Royce. He made that very clear. 928 01:00:10,640 --> 01:00:14,400 And as the Bentley is plainly rubbish, I think you have the casting vote. 929 01:00:14,400 --> 01:00:18,280 If you were a leading light of the Albanian Mafia, which car would you buy? 930 01:00:18,280 --> 01:00:22,280 If I was a leading light in the Albanian Mafia, I wouldn't BUY either of them. 931 01:00:22,280 --> 01:00:26,840 Good point. OK, which do you prefer? I am minded to say the Rolls-Royce. 932 01:00:26,840 --> 01:00:29,080 But the problem is, if you have one of these, 933 01:00:29,080 --> 01:00:33,360 one day you will pull up at a set of lights and alongside 934 01:00:33,360 --> 01:00:36,920 will slide Simon Cowell in his bigger Phantom and he'll go... 935 01:00:36,920 --> 01:00:39,040 LAUGHTER 936 01:00:39,040 --> 01:00:44,440 I know what you mean. Be honest, you would only buy the Ghost because you couldn't afford the Phantom. 937 01:00:44,440 --> 01:00:46,960 Because I don't want that, I'd have the Mercedes. Yes! 938 01:00:46,960 --> 01:00:49,120 It's not really a bombshell, is it? 939 01:00:49,120 --> 01:00:52,080 James's death is a bombshell. It's an inconvenience, yes. 940 01:00:52,080 --> 01:00:55,160 That's true. So on that inconvenience, it's time to end. 941 01:00:55,160 --> 01:00:58,520 Thank you so much for watching. See you next week. Good night. 942 01:00:58,520 --> 01:01:00,560 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 943 01:01:00,561 --> 01:01:01,561 Synch and correct by JustFuckingShit (or teftel) www.addic7ed.com 944 01:01:18,000 --> 01:01:21,040 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd. 945 01:01:21,040 --> 01:01:24,080 E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk